Friday, January 06, 2006

Seeing the change

I posted the following messege in reply to Scherzos last blog. I thought it was worth sharing, but if you want the whole picture you will have to visit her blog:


Dear Bunnydette,
I too know how you feel. Like it is still your family, but no longer the source of all your joy as you remember it was, or hope that it always will be. I know how painful it is to see your brothers in limbo, and still have all those wonderful memories of innocence and happiness with them.

I too am often leaving and moving from place to place, so I also see the differences more profoundly than those who stay at home. I often wish that I was able to take a larger part in the forming of my siblings. I wish that my parents were the exact same people they were when I was growing up.

They are different now, more patient, less enthusiastic one might say. Still wonderful people and great parents, but just not the same. Thus, my younger siblings will not be made in the same sort of mold as my older brothers and I were made in. It's like making making a huge batch of cookie dough, and baking the first half at 370°F for 8-10 minutes, then refridgerated the second half for a week and baking that dough at 350°F for 10-12 minutes.

*If you have no idea what I am talking about, feel free to ignore the cookie reference. My mom just sent me cookies in the mail, and because I am on a diet I haven't eaten them yet, so they are constantly on my mind... damned things!*

Sadness comes when you realize that you have lost the old person/s you loved to play, climb, sing, splash in the mud with, and fight with over the last bit of ice cream, to a person who somehow has become mature and willing to give you the last bit of ice cream. That is when you know you have lost them to adulthood.

During the rebellioususus stage they are still your little brothers, they are just not sure who they are going to be soon. That is what I think is so upsetting. You see that they are not quite as happy as you all used to be, but you are unable to use the old means of having fun to make them happy anymore. They have left all the innocent ways of being happy behind in favor of promises of happiness for the future. It may be a wonderful future, but there is no way to know till the change is complete.


Growing up is the hardest thing in the world to do. I am struggling with it everyday. I never want to stop seeing the world as a child sees it. I want to be amazed by twinklie lights every year when Christmas time draws near, I want to always look up at things when I am walking, and I want to always expect the best from people. It is just really hard sometimes to know the world and see it for what it is, but also retain inocence.

Everyone hates change. We are designed to go through it, but still we hate it. It's one of those definite things about living. We are born, we chang a lot, and then we die. There is nothing we can do about it really. However, that doesn't mean we are not allowed to miss the past. I do, quite often really...

*Song for today:
"Runaway Train"*

"Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night,
earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it"

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