Friday, November 04, 2005

Ok, I'm me again.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be all psycho in that last blog. I had originally written a very nice one and taken alot of time on it too, but it went the way of the Dodo and never made it to your eyes.
My back is healing very quickly and I expect to be able to perform all my favorite dance moves in about a week. I'm still taking some medicine, but less than I was taking and only stuff that I can drink with and not become addicted too. Ha ha ha, that would be perfect! Can you imagine me addicted to pain killers? I would be the coolest addict ever. Joking. I think that I am fairly immune to addictive things of that nature, so you don't need to fear for me.
I would have to say that on the whole most of my friends at Ave find me to be a very pleasent person, probably thinking that I never really had any bad experiences in life, and never really did anything bad either. Get ready for a shock! I have had many very bad experiences outside of my dearest Ave bubble, and I have sinned probably more than any other person ever enrolled at Ave. I've tried it all. I have done it all, and now have proven myself to be the fool my father said I would be, by learning by experience rather than anothers wisdom.
The odd thing, at least I think it is odd, is that I never lose face or my iner self. Not really anyways. Nothing permenantly damaging to my inner charecter ever takes place. I wonder about this. It seems that God gave me just the right amount of childish nature to continually be able to pick my self up again and continue. It has always been that nothing matters but that I do pick myself up and try to finish walking towards Him. However, this line of thought has also been an occasion of sin for me as it leads me to the, ''No matter what I do wrong, God will catch me if I start to fall to fast.'' theory which some times tricks me into committing more sins than if I had not thought about it.
I want to be a good person, really I do. Wait let me correct that and be completely honest. I want to be a saint. A famous and great saint. I want to be able to pull down blessings on to the people that I meet every day. I want to convert the world with in my reach, and I want to reach it all. I suffer from the sin of Pride. Well, sometimes I suffer, but most of the time I actually enjoy my daydreaming of grandure. I would love to be a martyr. Oh, that would be the shit. That would be so easy! One quick, ok possibly long and tortured for days, death in Jesus name. Then He couldn't possibly turn me away could He? The world would love me too. I want that so much. I love the world, so why does it feel like it is ignoring me. Oh wait, it might be because of that Litany of Humility I said back when I was having a devout spell. Hahaha!!!
I know. I know. My delusions of grandure would never work . I know that I will have to just keep plodding along and wait till I die from... you fill in the blank. It wouldn't work because it would be one of those instances of "Doing the right thing for the wrong reason." Why did Elliot have to write it down for the world to recognize!?

I was only joking about being me agian. The truth is that I am always me, but that I choose to show only certain parts of me to certain people. I have friends that don't know I can sing or that I cook. I want it that way. I have friends that think I love drinking, smoking, and partying with loud pop music. I want it that way. I have friends that think I would never go near a party with a ten foot pole. I want it that way. I have friends that think I am simple minded, they might be right, but I still want it that way. I have friends that think I am a religious freak. I want them to think that. I have friends who think I am a very sweet, honest, caring, compassionate, and intelligent enough girl. They might be wrong, but I want them to think these things of me. I have friends in so many places, of so many types, and they all think I am more something in particular than I actually am of my whole. Believe it or not, I am actually quite a bit like, umm, I hate to say it but I have to, Erin W. I am just better at the game.
You may all proceed to question my motives for being so nice now in the past, and so strangly honest to you today. The interesting thingt is that whomever you think I am, I will continue to be to you, so I hope you think of me still as your friend.

1 comment:

Kate said...


You are who you are. Most all of us behave appropriate to our surroundings and company. So long as you're not lying about any of it, you are not in any way 'putting on a face'.

So add to that list, "I have friends who think I can be over-dramatic at times..."


Much love,